Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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