I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.