My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
