I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
