If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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