Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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