As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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