Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Randomize
