you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
