The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
