Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
