i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
