I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
