just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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