Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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