I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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