If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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