I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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