If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
