I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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