Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Boobs speak an international language.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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