I smell stomach acid.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
