I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
