just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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