it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
