I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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