Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
