glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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