I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
