pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
