He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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