Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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