he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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