My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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