my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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