so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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