I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
