Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
