last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
