I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
