Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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