Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
