He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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