i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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