if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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