I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
