I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
