K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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