you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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