There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
