I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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