A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
