wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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