new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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