At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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