Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
