if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
