I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
