I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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