Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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